The Weekly Ale ……….. by Cartboy

So aside from being pretty succesful in his day to day life and juggling a million balls in the air with all the stuff that is going on around him a certain unnamed friend of mine continues to publish the most hysterical emails. Here is his latest offering, the point of his mail is that myself and Pat have left Durbs to return home leaving him without a Wingman. Like he ever really needed one………

I see Man Utd managed to sneak into the final yesterday, it is the ultimate FA Cup final and I back you blokes to beat us as I can’t remember when we last beat you in the cup. It was probably in 79 when Bailey proved that he couldn’t catch a football 3 times in the final. It amazes me that Blackburn and Newcastle could get to the semi finals of this tournament with such pathetic tactics.

I would be impressed if you got this over there, but yesterday was the final of the U19 World Cup and if you have already gone onto rugby365.com you would know that we were crowned World Champions last night at the ABSA Stadium. I was scheduled to go down with Albo, but I injured my back at golf yesterday when AJ’s stock drove into me and it effectively put me horizontal for the afternoon and evening. It was a great game to watch. I have never seen two teams so obedient of a ref in all my life. There were no more than a couple of penalties each until the last 5 minutes when the pressure was on. In fairness, NZ should have thrashed us, but the fullback dropped the ball over the line and then in the most selfish bit of rugby since Warren Ellse played for Glenwood, their brilliant left wing beat everybody and with only the full back left had three players on his left who could have walked over the line, but he went himself and was stopped by the “unsold” fullback. We played well and countered brilliantly. The team was 2/3 black and they were good players which bodes well for the future should they not disappear to other SANZAR countries. The moment of stupidity was our captain in injury time electing to go for posts when the kick into touch would have ended the game. Our flyhalf missed the 40 odd metre kick which then sparked 4 minutes of NZ bombardment until they were finally penalized and the game was ours.

I had a quiet weekend at home to recover from the weekend before. I did take a nasty dip on Thursday night when my first bout of FOMO kicked in ever. Remembering the quantity of **** at Johnny Fox’s last week I was desperately trying to rally troops which unraveled FOMAW (fear of missing a wingman). I managed to generate a couple of Hills Howardians as Albo gave me the Sneeden brush off and Sneeden was playing rugby. Word must have broken that there was only going to be one Brewery Boy as the numbers dwindled this week. I drank through it and had my first beer goggle moment since overbite last week when I chatted up the Media Manager of the English rugby team who was out for the abovementioned world cup. I chatted to her about Woodward and co and when I eventually sneezed (or some other bodily function) I noticed that she was the size of the English scrum and made my apologies before hiding.

Albo can testify about Natasha (long, dark haired skinny bird) whom I bumped into the whole of last year at Fox’s and I hadn’t seen since she went to London for Xmas. The beer goggles were firmly off for this one as I have seen her sober. Speaking of which I have another potential slogan for our next Brewery Boys shirt – “ALSO AVAILABLE IN SOBER”!

I chatted to her for a couple of hours trying to get an idea of whether I was going to be allowed in the Golden Palace of the Himalayan mountains, but she could break the bank at any Vegas poker table. The rest of the lads were getting a bit edgy so we slipped off to Tiger where mayhem was pouring drinks. I vaguely remember sneezing out a shooter and then pouring a full Voddies and Tab down my shirt. The kind bar lady wiped me semi clean and we continued. Out of nowhere I spotted an absolute honey and somebody barked that she looked like the bird in an email he received that day titled Miss October. Oozing dutch courage I was talking to her within a couple of minutes, but I must have looked a helluva state with Sambuca coloured nostrils and a patchy shirt. She was totally self absorbed and sharing a brain cell with her possie which is my kind of wonderful. I nailed her phone number, but she wasn’t falling for the come and see my convertible and adorable puppies lines either. I had to dig deep and pull out the Warren Ellse retort of “good, because if there was one thing that wasn’t going to happen tonight it was us sleeping together, I hope you can respect that”. She did a double take (I think the beetle was trying to swim in too many directions at the same time) as she digested the solid face of the Kookaburra that I had just given her.

All the while I was taking naughty text messages from ****** (the stock from the other night). T**i girls are special and I nearly drove down there before convincing myself that it would ruin the weekend and my current momentum. Miss October was showing way more interest and I was showing her as much physical attention as the organisms on Jupiter. I eventually pulled her and then made an excuse to go home. I tried to say cheers to the boys, but I saw them around the shooter bar with a couple glasses in front of them and one held high in hand while they looked around for me. No me, China. I leopard crawled to my chariot and nursed a size hangover the next day.

CLASSIFIED AD:

Wanted wingman – will provide free beer. Must provide (photographic) evidence of ability to pull